Yom Kippur - saying the Al Chet

On Erev Yom Kippur I received an email from my friend Yael Resnick (the editor of Natural Jewish Parenting magazine) including a tefillah written by her friend Yonit Lea Kosovske, entitled "Al Chet Prayer for Parents". Since parenting matters tend to fill my mind, oh, about, 99% of my waking day, I thought I'd take a good look at it.

The first couple of lines read as follows:
"For the mistake we have committed before You by losing patience with our children,
And for the mistake we have committed before You by losing our temper."

Oh boy. This was not written for the faint of heart.

Now, like I said, I think about how I parent my kids a lot. I'm trying to figure out, more than anything else, how to raise them so that one day they will become adults that are thoughtful, ethical people who love God and are kind to others.

I try to say yes to the kids as often as possible, because I have a tendency to say no. I prefer to feed them food not enhanced by additives, colouring or flavouring. When learning issues arise, I try to figure out the best route to success; when someone's behaviour needs a little nudge in a certain direction, I think about how we can motivate this child. We keep plastic and electronic toys to a minimum, and artsy creative stuff and board games to a maximum. Typical, regular, conscientious parenting. Yawn.

So reading this Al Chet was breathtaking. After a few lines, I could barely believe someone had written it. And when I counted, it was 8 pages long: all those lines of everyday awful parenting moments. Why would I read this? Over a hundred ways to feel bad about myself!

When I say the Al Chet on Yom Kippur, I typically try to focus on what the words really mean, and find a way to link them to my life. But it doesn't hurt. It is successful in that I become more self-aware, have regrets, have intention to improve. But this comprehensive description of my life, presented to me as a list of mistakes, was overwhelming. I printed it off anyway, glanced at it when I walked past the desk, thought about it a lot.

Eventually, I read it, all 8 pages, beginning to end. Yes, it was painful. But also validating. Someone had bothered to delineate the thousands of decisions and actions we make every day as parents. Someone noticed that we put a lot of effort in and acknowledged that sometimes we lose it.

"For the mistake we have committed before You by saying NO too many times,
And for the mistake we have committed before You by not saying NO enough."

Doesn't that say it all? The line we walk is all too fine. If it's not one mistake, it's another. By trying to redress the balance, we sometimes over-correct. So be it. This "Al Chet" brought every day moments to my immediate attention, and made me want to improve. The point is, I think, to be in the game, and to pay attention.

(Yonit Lea Kosovske's tefilah can be read at http://www.natural-jewish-parenting.com/Al-Chet-for-Parents.html )
(Photo credit: http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:A_prayer_to_God_in_the_Western_Wall_in_Jerusalem.jpg)

Yom Kippur - The Day of Watching Kids

I know, I hang out with my kids all the time, not just on Yom Kippur. During the week, I have the benefit of our beloved art box, our books-on-tape, our computer. On Shabbat we pull out the boxes of games, the puzzles, the magnets. Actually, Shabbat can be a lot of fun, because I don't have to dash off anywhere, so I have time to play with the kids properly. Shabbat, clearly, is where it's all at (and I believe the Torah has something to say about this too.)

Rosh HaShanah davenning is long - well, we have a lot to say - and offers a kind of shul dilemma warm up for Yom Kippur, with one crucial difference: food. And what a difference it is. Aside from the comfort we can get from food (it's delicious!) and the celebratory spirit it can provide (Shabbat treats!), it is also a source of nourishment. And when we are under-nourished, we might get - how can I say this nicely? - a little cranky. What with the blood sugar going wild and our bodies dehydrating from the inside out, Yom Kippur doesn't bring out the best in us. Which impacts us the most, I find, when we try to communicate with other people. Especially little, needy people.

So here is the conundrum: Yom Kippur davenning is Really Really Long AND we have kids under the age of 10. We do, and guess what? they need a little entertaining.

Now, in this here religious world of ours, a lot of families have kids, thank God. And a lot of those kids are under the age of 10. How exactly are we supposed to juggle our family needs with our davenning needs? And how is one fasting parent supposed to provide food, fun and safety while their brain cells and energy fade at remarkable speed as the day progresses?

You're hoping I have answers to these questions.

I do not.

I'll tell you what helped me yesterday, though. Firstly, I spent most of the day with a friend, and the kids either played together or screeched at each other, but at least we had the company of another adult to keep each other sane, and sometimes even laughing.

Secondly, I belong to an awesome email support group, for frum mothers of kids with special needs. The list represents children with a wide range of emotional, physical and behavioural issues. One amazing woman collates a list for the Yamim Noraim of children (and a few adults) in need of our tefilot, for a refuah shelemah, for chizuk, for success with a surgery or a therapy. These kids are all from the list or a friend of someone on the list. I printed out the list, and carried it around with me on Yom Kippur. I did daven for everyone listed, and I think that was the goal when it was collated. But the list itself was my inspiration: it was 6 pages long. Can you picture it: a list of names of children, submitted by mothers, printed in small print, 6 pages long. How much love was represented by those pages, and how many tears? It gave me the opportunity to daven with the most kavannah of the day; prayers for children are rarely muddied by doubt or boredom.

Another impact of this list of children's names was learning appreciation. When I saw, for example, a request to daven for the success of physical therapy so that a child could learn to walk, I realised was what a nes it is to be able to walk. The most perfect body is one in which we feel nothing. We walk without noticing, we eat with no stomach ache, we turn around automatically. As soon as we sprain an ankle, have a gastric flu, or injure our necks - we become super-aware of that part of our body that allows us - typically - to function. When we get well, how miraculous it seems that our bodies usually work so effortlessly. And that is what I thought about as I davenned, what blessings I have, every moment of every single day.

These thoughts didn't help me clear the table, feed the kids or play with them. But they did help keep me centred on the specialness of Yom Kippur. It isn't just the day of watching kids. It is a day for praying for them, and praying for ourselves to be good guides for them.

(photo credit: http://www.kavewall.com/toys-games/index.htm)

Eating Green, Out of the Blue!

We rent a house in a suburban area. We have a front yard - green and leafy - and a back yard containing only sandy, compacted, dry dirt, that hasn't been watered, or, indeed, acknowledged, in about 10 years.

One morning in July, a shoot poked its head through the dirt in the back yard, and we dutifully ignored it. Then somebody suggested it might yield food one day, and perhaps we should water it. Hey, why not?

In an attempt to reduce our water usage, we have a Save The Kinneret dish-washing method: we wash everything in a bowl of soapy water, set the dishes to one side, then rinse into a bucket. We then pour the bucket of water over the plants in our garden (you will not believe how much water it takes to rinse a few plates! Folks, try this one at home!)

So we poured bucketfuls of water over our baby seedling and watched a miracle take place. It grew long arms and gorgeous little yellow flowers, and then sprouted fruit that looked like hard-skinned dark green plums. We had no idea what it was, pumpkin? watermelon? Those yellow flowers and large green leaves, I discovered, are the signature features of many plants. The fruit grew and grew and then stopped growing. It was now about the size of a large grapefruit. We harvested it (okay, it was just one thin stem), sliced it open, and behold: a delicious, crunchy, green melon!

Talk about local and organic: we didn't plant the seed, we used recycled water, and a vine grew in our backyard, turning the sun's rays into food. Is that awesome or what?

Life After Baby: Letting others bake your daily bread

In anticipating your new-baby time, you will want to arrange basic help beforehand. Friends love to bring round food – perhaps you want to put one in charge of coordinating meals. Can you arrange now for cleaning help then? Are there teenagers on your block who would love some extra pocket money and can wash your dishes in the evenings?

Write a shopping list that you can hand on to a kind friend after the baby arrives. (I mean it. Go get a pen and paper right now!) Can you freeze some of your favourite dishes in advance? What foods can you eat with one hand that you like? Bananas, apples, grapes, cherry tomatoes, carrots, crackers, sandwiches… hey, you tell me!

In case you didn’t know: when you have a new baby, what you eat is Really Important. Focus on filling your body with the most delicious, complete and colourful foods possible. Whole grains, fresh vegetables and fruit, dairy, eggs, fish, chicken – yum! When a friend offers food, ask for home-made soup, or a container of brown rice, or a huge bowl of fruit salad. For your family and friends, bringing your food will be a labour of love. The food they bring will wind up nourishing your baby. It’s true, what they say: It takes a village.

(Photo credit: Work_dough.jpg‎)

A Whole New World

Rosh HaShanah is here, filling us with memories and emotions. This festival, celebrating the beginning of the new year, has many names: Yom Teru'ah, Yom HaZikaron, Yom HaDin - a list defining the deep meaning that infuses the spirit of Rosh HaShanah.

You won't be suprised to hear that my inspiration comes from our tefilot: "HaYom Harat Olam!" - Today the World was Born! What a blast of joy! The 1st day of Tishrei is, according to the Gemara, the date of the first Shabbat ever, putting the 24th of Elul as the first day of Creation. On Rosh HaShanah, it is not the creation of the world that we celebrate, but its birth, complete and perfect.

You probably know this, but it bears repeating: the Mishnah declares that when we save a life, it is as if we have saved a whole entire world. Perhaps this is because each of us contains something so unique and so complex that we are compared to a universe. Or, perhaps it is a reflection of all that we bring to the world, the number of people whose lives we touch, minutely altering their thoughts and actions and literally changing the course of life immeasurably.

Can you see where I'm going with this? We humans are neither haphazard nor irrelevant. Each one of us is vital. The ways we develop ourselves and our relationships - with other people and with God - form our uniqueness. On Rosh HaShanah, as we do teshuvah, we try to return to the very best version of who we are, our most complete and perfect selves.

May we - each of us as valuable as the world - and the miraculous world which was created for our use, be blessed this year with healing and growth.

(References: Masechet Rosh HaShanah 10b; Mishnah Sanhedrin 4:5)
(Photo credit: Earth_Western_Hemisphere_white_background.jpg‎)

Life After Baby: How to have your baby and keep your head

It can be exciting to be pregnant and it can be exhausting. Then, one unbelievable day, your baby arrives. Your childbirth experience fills your consciousness. Your body is recovering physically from the effort, strength and stamina it takes to bring new life into the world. On top of this, there’s a baby. A delicious baby - your baby - someone you sort of recognize, and can learn to love.

A heartbeat later, life continues. You need to eat – which requires shopping, shlepping, unpacking, washing, cooking and washing up. Don’t even talk about the laundry. You had no idea how much effort this 7lb bundle would take. Or, you had an idea, but your toddler didn’t. Perhaps you’ve done this before – but this one likes to eat. All. The. Time. You are still in your pyjamas at supper time but haven’t had lunch yet.

So: how will you get from this moment to sanity and joy?

It all boils down to planning ahead. Way, way ahead.

Check this out: having a doula at your birth can help you recover more quickly, even when your birthing day is days and weeks behind you. Studies show that women receiving continuous support from early labour are more likely to give birth spontaneously, requiring neither caesarean, vacuum extraction nor forceps delivery. They will therefore bypass the additional physical recovery required and the possible postpartum complications from these procedures.

Prior even to childbirth, is education. The more you know, the more you can be involved in the process of birth. Women who understand the stages of labour, and who are included in decision making throughout have a much more positive experience of labour. This helps them with both their emotional and physical recovery after childbirth.

So: make it your business to know what to expect from labour, and line up a friend, sister or professional doula - or all three - to give you that support when you most need it. Husbands are great, terrific people – but it’s worth having an extra female around in this most female of moments.

Your mission today is to contact your friends and find out how they found a doula; ask them to be your doula! Line up childbirth classes with someone who has a great reputation. Find out what a difference a satisfying childbirth experience can make to your life, long after your Birth Day. You won’t regret it.

(Photo credit: http://www.flickr.com/photos/35034350386@N01/2707548552)

A Postpartum Doula? What's that?

Maybe you were wondering what it was, exactly, that I do.

Well, to start with, here’s a dictionary definition: a postpartum doula is a woman who assists a new mother and family in their home following the birth of a baby. Nice, right?

Let’s say you had a new baby. I would provide you with the practical and emotional support that would encourage you to nurse, rest and recover. In practice, this might include offering breastfeeding support, preparing and serving you lunch, listening to your birth story, caring for your newborn while you rest, taking care of light housework. Awesome.

There is a kind of knowledge that I carry in my brain and in my hands, about women’s bodies and the impact pregnancy and childbirth has on them, and the difference good support makes. My goal is to sanctify and foster the bond between mother and baby by focusing on mom.

Did you notice? I think that becoming a mother is holy. The holiest. The way a woman’s body plots - every single month - to catch a baby, the way it expands perfectly to encompass new life, the way we birth, the miracle of nursing, and oh gosh, you’ve got me on a roll. It’s all too gorgeous for words. And if I can be a part of that, I am one happy lady.

(Photo credit: http://www. flickr. com/photos/65414509@N00/307730836/ bird's eye)

First Day of School!

Parents, I hear your collective sigh of relief.

It is September 1st, the day Israel declares as the beginning of the school year, and we are all wiping our brows and smiling in relief that we survived the summer. The hot, long summer, spent with children who have too many toys and not enough to do.

(Oh sure, in your home you went on hikes, grew organic vegetables, created dioramas based on each week’s parshah and baked spelt bread with your kids. I hope that you and all your friends in Never Never Land live happily ever after.)

The first day of school was always my favourite day of the year: it speaks of clean slates, the possibilities of excelling and of being discovered. I would buy new pencils, pens and paper every year, in the hope that their shiny newness would inspire me to be organised, both in person and in schoolwork. This didn’t actually work. You’re shocked, I know.

But still. The day deserves some joyous attention, to go along with the adrenaline. Each year I bake my kids a First Day of School cake. Today as we ate it, we talked about going to school - learning math, science, history, geography - as a way to connect to the Torah and to God, and we celebrated this new beginning with a sweet taste in our mouths. Yum.

(Photo credit: http://pl.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grafika:Kredki_Foto.jpg)